The Feline Cabal
When you look at a cat, can you tell what it’s thinking?
Over the past several years, as a consequence of my Fabula-related research, I have noticed patterns related to feline behavior and secrecy. We human Americans treat cats as fast friends, stalwart companions, playmates, even pets. But how much do we truly know about them?
Ancient Egypt and the Beginning of Feline Rule
The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats, in the form of Bastet and Sekhmet. The ancient Egyptians associated them with plague, war, and protection. They were so revered that one time, a Roman centurion killed an annoying cat and the whole town rose up.
But why did the ancient Egyptians have such reverence for felines?
The answer, I think, is simple. While most people believe that ancient Egyptians founded civilization and domesticated cats, there is overwhelming evidence that CATS founded civilization and DOMESTICATED HUMANS.
Think about it. Did cats build statues for humans and worship them. NO. It was the other way around.
I believe that cats domesticated humans, appointed members of our species as their representatives, and guided them in the construction of a civilization that primarily existed to support the decadent feline lifestyle.
Wars and the building of monuments like the pyramids kept humans occupied, but the true purpose of human civilization was shelter for felines and a constant supply of food. This afforded the feline cabal ample time and opportunity to consolidate power and expand their conspiratorial grip on humans.
King of the Cats
The feline cabal persisted in secret throughout the Greek and Roman civilizations. After Rome fell, the cabal distributed throughout Europe and the Middle East. Their hold over the souls and imaginations of humans only grew. Cats were prominent in Medieval Paris, and even the Vikings worshipped them. The Norse goddess Freya drove a chariot pulled by two cats, but given the evidence I have provided here, it is obvious that the cats controlled Freya and not the other way around.
Throughout the Middle Ages and even into modern times, legends circulated about the “king of the cats,” a long-lived feline master who directed the movements and actions of cats everywhere. Shakespeare referred to him as the “prince of the cats.” Folk tales about the “king of cats” have circulated at least since the 1500s. The British version tells the story of a feline funeral:
A man travelling alone sees a cat (or hears a voice), who speaks to him, saying to tell someone (often an odd name, presumably unknown to the character) that someone else (normally a similarly odd name) has died, though other versions simply have the traveller see a group of cats holding a royal funeral. He reaches his destination and recounts what happened, when suddenly the housecat cries something like “Then I am the king of the cats!”, rushes up the chimney or out of the door, and is never seen again.
The story of the King of the Cats exists in countless variations. And as everyone knows, stories that are told a lot by different people are almost always true.
So who was this King of the Cats? My research indicates that he was one of several figures in the feline cabal. In fact, there are different kings and queens for different regions in the feline world. There are two kings in the USA — one for America, and the other for Texas.
The supreme leader of the feline cabal is the Empress, who is Bast the Immortal. According to some sources, Bast manifests in physical form all over the world, coordinating her feline minions to continuously improve human society for their benefit.
When humans have come close to discovering and disrupting this conspiracy, the cats have engineered wars and crises to distract us. Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated by a young Bosnian revolutionary who wasn’t thinking straight, having been kept up night after night by his cat. Hitler wrote Mein Kampf while sharing a Landsberg prison cell with a tomcat. On the Watergate tapes, you can clearly hear the White House cat meowing and purring in the background.
The Modern Feline Conspiracy
Still, cats have contributed a great deal to human society. Human medicine was a byproduct of veterinary medicine. The Apollo missions were guided and shaped by cats, in an attempt to find a new home world. And most strikingly, cats invented the internet as a tool to assert influence. Social media is effectively a tool for feline worship. Make no mistake: CATS ARE IN CONTROL.
The Human Resistance
How can humans possibly resist this ancient and insidious conspiracy? The most important thing to do is question all events and innovations. Ask yourself, “How would a cat benefit from this?”
Veganism: more meat for cats
Pandemic lockdown: more pets for cats
Pornography: less real-life sexual activity … less disturbances for cats
And so forth. Just remember, PURR:
PREPARE YOURSELF to resist feline tricks of affection and deception.
UNDERSTAND feline strategies of social control.
RECORD suspicious feline activity.
RESIST feline play, meowing, begging, purring, batting, and other humanizing strategies.
CATS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. CATS ARE THE KEEPERS OF HUMANS.
RESIST!!!
About the Author
Harvey Pester is a scholar and researcher. He loves Michelob, the X-Files, and hockey (go Flyers!!!).
